Murder with a side of fries

Haha! My first blog post on this new blog I have created out in the blogsphere of chaos and indescribable insanity among those who type frantically on their keyboards praying for people to read their inane ideas and ramblings. Also known as, welcome to my god damn blog. Here is where I apologize because my insanity is about to seep into your brain and possibly be so infectious you may have to scrub it out with a iron wool q-tip laced with cyanide. Again sorry.

You may have noticed the weird title for my blog. Its chosen because well its going to be the first post of my blog and hopefully be memorable or so completely horrible that there will be calls to the pentagon to remove me from this country. Honestly I am hoping for a little bit of both.

So the reason for this post is that I was on lunch today and started to think random thoughts as I tend to do and relate things that shouldn't be related as per normal. So I got to thinking about a fast food chain that is also a place to hire hit men for the people who piss you off. I figured what a great idea! Everyone gets hungry and a lot of times when they are pissed off they like to eat. Hell that is what I do some of the time. Basically I'm all like, "Hulk Smash!!! Ohhhh look a cheeseburger!" Sometimes this ends the Hulk Smash feeling and I go on with my day. Then there are those other days where I sit eating my cheeseburger while wondering where I can find a giant mace with spikey points on the end of it to bash that person over the head with that cut me off in traffic.

At this point is where my idea comes into play. I mean it could be like any other fast food drive through. Of course spelling out the fast food chains name would be a little long, so we could just shorten it to MF on the sign. Murder with a side of fries would just be too long and expensive to put on a sign and MF has a nice tie in with the place because you are probably already on the Mother Fucker train to murder of another person while pulling into the parking lot and the sign is just a reminder of how pissed off you are.

So now that we have a solid idea for the place we need a MF menu. Of course we have french fries and for you retarded babies who bashed your heads against the steering wheel of your pickup truck with the confederate flag in the window, you guys can have freedom fries. I also think we need milk shakes because I fucking love milk shakes and would probably kill a person for one every now and then, so don't fuck with my milkshake. Hamburgers and their variants are also going to be on the menu because this is fast food and well you just need those. For those who are thinking about onion rings....well no they are the spawn of satan and I think they should be excluded, we are planning a murder here, not trying to give someone heartburn and bad breath.

Now onto the other items on the menu. We should definitely start off with a light fare of severe beatings because you don't always want to murder someone and I think this would be our bread and butter service. Next we can move over to maimings because crippling someone without death can sometimes just be as satisfactory, especially with that bastard takes the last of an item in a super market that you wanted. I mean really I didn't want to drive to the next store and now you are making me because you couldn't keep your god damn hands off my french vanilla Ben & Jerry's which I was going to use to make my god damn milk shake. Ya I know I said I would murder someone for a milkshake sometimes, but I have this vindictive side that also likes to watch people suffer for a long period of time so he would have to lose that arm. Lets see that fucker take my ice cream again.

Next on the list we have the run of the mill bullet to the head murder. Pretty simple really, the chain could have snipers posted all around the city that the chain is at and just a simple phone call from the manager and that person is toast. Just think the sniper could be sitting in his apartment have a nice latte and reading the newspaper and get his call to rub out a person just down the road and he heads over to the window with his high powered sniper rifle and pop there goes a problem.

Of course for those bastards who have just pissed you off more then they should have, where the severe beatings and the maiming didn't work to deter their behavior we have the final option of brutal murder. I think this category just needs to offer a few different options though to make things interesting for the customer. Maybe one of the options could be something off the wall like skull fucked by a clown while he honked his rubber nose to the screaming. Another option could be torn apart by rabid ponies ridden by angry midgets. That would be some seriously fucked up humorous shit right there, perfect for a Jerry Springer show. Could get the families of the deceased to appear and scream about how their hick son/brother got raped by a clown and then torn apart by ponies ridden by angry midgets and then have Jerry say something about having a surprise for them and the midgets come out on the ponies and people start throwing chairs and showing their tits and there are beads and we all learn a lesson about being compassionate to midgets so they won't be so angry.

Of course after I thought of all this crazy shit on my lunch break, I had an epiphany that maybe this place already exists. I used to hear of Ex president Clinton always running off to Mcdonald's for a burger and some fries. What if he just went up to the counter and told some people a secret code and someone somewhere just died or got a beat down or something. I mean he just couldn't go around nuking people because that would be too obvious, you know with the smoking crater and mutated wildlife and all. I could see it now a Mcdonald's full of trained assassins flipping burgers just waiting for the order from a senator or president or some other high official so that they could cause some devastation somewhere. It really would be the perfect place for them too because of all the rage they could build up while waiting because who really wants to flip fucking burgers for a living when you could be flipping out and killing shit.

Now for those who made it to the end of this post I applaud you in your efforts to wade through crazy. Hell I know I am not the most sane person in the world and my mind wanders in so many different directions in a day I forget what normal thought patterns are. Like maybe I should be worrying about where I put my car keys or some shit, but this is really what can wander through my head at any given moment. This one was by far the most insane shit I have thought up in a while though.