Tuesday, August 24, 2010

New bank idea

With all of the renewed interest in religion from the possibility of a "Mosque" being placed 2 blocks from the remains of the Twin Towers I figured now would be a good time to cash in. Specifically I would be cashing in with my new bank called Jesus Saves National Bank.



I mean really can this idea go wrong. It combines the things people in this country have an unhealthy love for, money and religion. Not only do we promote Jesus but we promote saving which may help with all the overspending in this country. Hell we could even hold church services on the premise on Sundays since banks are never open on those days. Honestly we are getting a 2 for one here and utilizing the space to the maximum use. Who wouldn't want to have church service in a bank. I could see it now, Bill Gates sitting side by side with Steve Jobs talking about their love of religion and money.

The checking accounts could have 3 different tiers, The Son, The Father, and The Holy Ghost. The Son could be that free liberty account that all the banks have that just require at least $10 in it. The Father could be the account with like .5% interest attached to it and require at least $1000 dollars. The Holy Ghost could get the high end treatment of requiring $10,000 in it at all times and give CD rates for savings on it.

And with all the controversy over this "Mosque" we could just place this starter project 1 block away from the remnants of the Twin Towers. That will be sure to piss those Muslims off because we one upped their asses. Who's the winner now......America cause we are bat shit insane so suck on that!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Crazy people at the bars in Des Moines

So I decided to go on vacation in Des Moines so I could see a Phoenix concert. The concert was amazing, but the after concert bar fun was a bit odd to say the least.

After the concert I met up with my friends and we went to the bar on the second floor of the building we were in. Things were going great and it was quiet in there to begin with and I started off with a couple of drinks. Unfortunately my friends had to drive back to the Quad Cities that night so they left me to hang out and relax for a while. I shuffled my way up to the bar and ordered another Captain and coke and watched some TV. About 15 minutes after I sat down though some guy walks in and buys a couple of packs of smokes from the bartender and then orders a couple of shots and introduces himself to me. He hands me a shot, which is just weird for me since I wasn't expecting to talk to much of anyone while there. He ends up asking me a few questions and we start talking about random junk. It comes up that I know some Japanese so I end up teaching him how to say shut up in Japanese. He also asks about my hat. I mention that it is 12 years old and he asks if he can see my hat. He then proceeds to sniff the inside of my hat and asks if I have washed it in the 12 years I have owned it. This is a really creepy question to say the least. At this point I have to start figuring out a way out of this situation because what normal person goes around sniffing peoples hats. To make matters worse he asks if I like to party........Yea umm no thanks I think I can skip out on hanging with super creepy guy and his druggy friends. I believe this is how various horror films start and I wasn't planning on dealing with crazy people. Finally he heads on out and I am now back in my peaceful situation listening to the music in the bar and enjoying another Captain and coke.

Next on the list of odd people in a bar to meet was the really really drunk guy. His name was Nate and his slurring was so bad that I could not understand hardly a word he said. To top it off he was just carrying around a pitcher of beer. Apparently he also wanted to be my new friend. After the last run in with creepy dude #1 I was not going to be having any of this and told him I had to go. I quickly went to go see if it was fine to leave but it was now pouring outside and this was not going to happen because walking 5 blocks with sheets of rain coming down is less pleasant then being in a room with creepy drunk guy. So I sat back down and got a Bud Light and listened to some more music.

Nate unfortunately found a new victim to cling to. Her name was Brittany and she had a look of distress and I had the knowledge of this being super bad because this guy wasn't giving up on her. So I made my move to go sit next to her and talk to her asking if she needed help with good old Nate. There was an emphatic yes and I decided to start up a conversation with her to let Nate know she was distracted. This did not stop Nate from trying to work his mojo though. She was putting up with him for the time being though because she was finishing off his pitcher of beer for him. I ended up finding out she told her friends she didn't even want to go to the bar she was at, but they drug her there anyways.Then they ditched her to deal with Nate. Obviously some awesome friends. So I ended up hanging out and deflecting Nate from her for about an hour till the bar closed.

Nate was way out of it at this point and had no clue what was going on. He ended up grabbing some guys drink off the bar and started to drink it, which prompted the guy to come over and confront Nate. At this point we tried to get information from Nate about how he was getting home and how he got there. He mumbled something about a bike so we asked if it was a motorcycle or a bike. He had no clue what we were talking about though and kept asking if Brittany wanted to go home with him. Finally one of the owners comes over and lets us know he was taking Nate out and putting him in a cab. I had a feeling though he was just throwing him out. The other guy that confronted Nate yells at him that he had better put the guy in cab and not just tossed him out. He said that he had. I highly doubted that. I head on out with Brittany and we say our goodbyes at the door and I just end up hanging out with some Phoenix fans who were waiting for them to come out of the bars.

I end up talking to some of the guys who moved all of the bands stuff to the trailer attached to the back of the bus. They were just pissed that there were no drugs around town at the time. I guess I should have introduced them to the creepy guy I had met earlier because he must have had some. These guys were pretty cool though. Phoenix finally came out and all but the drummer ignored the people hanging outside waiting for them. He signed a couple things for people and chatted for a little bit while the rest of the band head to the bus. He ended up being a pretty nice guy overall. Finally I decide its time to head to my friends place where I am crashing.

I get there and she gave me a house key to get in. It must have been a brand new key because it was not turning in the lock. I ended up spending 10 minutes outside the door and even left a message that I would probably be crashing in my car cause the key didn't work. Finally I get the key to turn and manage to get in at 2:30 in the morning. What a crazy night.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

3 wheeled motorbike?

Lately I have been seeing this guy riding around town on a motorbike but it has 3 wheels. 2 in the front and 1 in the back, sort of like a reversed big wheel. Every time I see this monstrosity of a bike all I can do is snicker to myself because I am sure he thinks he looks bad ass on this thing.

The bike itself is yellow with flames coming off the front of it and it's ridden by a 50 year old man. He even likes to ride around like he is a biker with the whole sleeves cut off his t-shirt and sometimes with the bandanna and the aviator shades. This is the most ridiculous site because how can one look bad ass when they are riding a reversed big wheel.

I honestly think he should just give it up and put one of those children's bike horns on the front with streamers off the handles. That would be a ton more appropriate then the stuff he wears and the flames on the bike. Hell a pocket protector would probably be more of his style with a bike like that. He will never be as hard core as the guys that ride real motorcycles and he should probably start realizing that fact now rather then later.

Another stupid vehicle that I saw today on my way to Whitey's for some ice cream was a souped up 4 wheeler at a vehicle shop. The 4 wheeler had 20 inch rims on it. Who the hell puts 20 inch car rims on a 4 wheeler? Are they just stupid as hell? Do you plan on rolling around town on your pimped out 4 wheeler trolling for women? I honestly think the only thing that is going to happen is that people are going to laugh at you for putting 20 inch rims on a 4 wheeler. I think doing something stupid like that would rank right up there with lowering the suspension on a Yugo and pimping it out. Maybe next we could pimp a Gremlin out with a $10,000 dollar speaker system and call it a day.

Friday, July 30, 2010

Stop chewing on food while talking on the phone.

I was going to post a serious post today, but my biggest pet peeve reared its ugly head today again at work. People eating while talking to you on the phone. Its pretty much like shitting while you are the phone but noisier and much more rude. I mean really how hard is it to down the god damn bag of potato chips for 5 minutes while you tell me what you want in your ad. Will you wither away and die if you don't constantly eat every waking moment of your life? If that is the case then type me an email because I don't want to listen to you chew your cud while you talk about how you want to sell your dog skippy.

Hell your dog is more sophisticated then you are. Do you ever see your pet dog bark at you with half a t-bone sticking out of its mouth? Personally I have never seen my dog do that. You know what she does? She puts the god damn bone down then barks. Maybe you should follow your dogs lead.

Maybe this how the country is becoming so obese is that we have rearranged our prorities of chewing on random shit over being polite. Fuck if you put down the side of ribs while on the phone you might actually have time to digest some stuff and become full and maybe not want to eat anymore. Yea I seriously don't want to listen to you masticate while on the phone with me. It pisses me off and then I have to write shit like this because of your narcissistic thought process of me, my fat ass, my Ruffles, my Diet Coke, and my ad.

Yea I know it may be lunch time at the office, but it doesn't mean you have to share it with me. I just want to write down the phone numbers of all these people that pull this shit and then go get a big bowl of cereal and start chomping away and call them back. Then when they get all pissed off because I am eating food in their ear then I can say, "Yea bitch now you know how it feels." and then I would hang up the phone. Or maybe whenever someone calls me while they are eating I can just turn a recording of someone eating food in the background and turn it way up and when they ask about it I can tell them, "Oh it must be the echo from your phone." Probably a great way to make them feel like a jackass.

So seriously if you are an eater while on the phone, you can just fuck off, seriously. Put the Hagen Daz down and have a conversation or get the fuck off the phone.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Our future leader or how it can take 40 minutes to set up a gmail account

Lunch today was a special case of dealing with the most special of special education students and saving my friend from having to deal with him. I walked in to my friend helping one of the regulars, a normal looking kid, at the LAN center I work at set up an email account. He was setting up this account as a gmail account which is a pretty simple process for most people taking mere minutes of time if you have a brain larger then the size of a walnut. Unfortunately this was not the case for our intrepid 14 year old hero of this story.

When I walked in we had already arrived to the setup your email page and he had gotten as far as putting his name in the top 2 fields. According to my friend getting to this point had already taken 17 minutes of time. The reason for this is that it had taken him 7 minutes to type in the words www.gmail.com. I believe my cat could get that typed into the web address field faster by randomly mashing letters on the keyboard until it got it right. Of course this would be after it took a 4 minute nap on the keyboard during this process. The next 10 minutes of putting his name in was also a daunting task for him. Apparently his memory of who he was had flown off into space and he had to be fired via a rocket to gather the letters and bring them back to earth to place them into the fields so that gmail could know who he was.

Now after this whole process is where I show up with my KFC in hand so that I may have a peaceful lunch watching my buddy shoot some stuff with Terrans on Starcraft 2. Instead I walk into Apocalypse Braincells, a place where neurons have been nuked by stupidity. At this point he is stuck on creating an email handle and asks us what that means. I tell him that he needs to create an email address that he would like to use. The first one he made was declined because it was already in use and he had to ask what does he do now, not realizing the obvious answer is to try another email address. I had to point this obvious fact out at this time and also point out that the text on the screen tells him exactly what to do in these situations, a fact that is constantly lost on him through the entire process. Finally we arrive at a suitable email address that he can use.

Next comes time to create a password, which he asks how to do that, again not reading the words on the screen telling him to make a password with 8 or more characters. I ask him to read what it says on the screen. He repeats what it says and then with a serious look asks if the password has to be 8 characters or can it be 1 character. I had to explain to him that really 8 characters long really does mean 8 characters long. This explanation causes him to pause for a couple minutes while he thinks and then asks what characters it should be. I told him he should come up with a password that is personal to him and he again asks well what characters should I use. Finally I realized what he was getting at by looking down at the comic book he had next to him at the computer. In his mind 8 characters meant that he had to come up with 8 different comic book or video game characters to make his password. This is where face meets palm Captain Picard style. I had to explain to him that a character was like a letter/number/symbol on the keyboard. This causes me to think that really this kid is just a 99 year old in a 14 year old body, like maybe aliens swapped his brain with Old man Gary down the road or something. I mean don't they teach this shit in computer basics in grade school these days?

Finally we get past the password stage after 8 minutes of painful explanations and its off for the secret question round. Fortunately this section was multiple choice, but then requires an answer to this question. He chose the question of what is your mothers phone number. He looks at me dead serious when he is typing and asks if he needs to put spaces in the phone number. At this point I am getting a bit annoyed and ask him if he has seen phone numbers in a phone book and how those look. His response is yes they have dashes in them. I of course had to inform him then he should make his phone number look exactly like those. His response was "Oh yea". At least this section only took 4 minutes of excruciating pain to complete.

Finally we get to the final section of birthday. Now this is normally a simple thing for most people because we tend to know the month, day, and year we are born. His first response to this question was how do I put in my birthday? Me: "Did you read the instructions?" Him: "Oh"..........."so how do I put in my birthday?" Me: "You see how they have the date underneath the field in the example.....just like that" Him: "Oh ok. What number is the month for December?" REALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF!!!!!!!!!!! ARE YOU RETARDED KID??? WERE YOU EATING PAINT CHIPS BEFORE YOU GOT HERE? DID YOUR MOTHER THROW YOU IN A POOL FULL OF ASBESTOS WHEN YOU WERE A BABY? Shit I know they teach that shit in kindergarten or 1st grade or something simple like that. At this point I couldn't believe he wasn't walking around with a white helmet on. Of course my friend pipes up with the exasperated "12". Now if this was the only question he asked about his birthday we might be ok, but nope Einstein had more questions ABOUT HIS OWN BIRTHDAY! The example under the picture looks like this "01/01/80". What he ended up typing was "12/7/95". We promptly tell him he needs to add a 0 in front of the 7. The new birthday then looked like this "120/7/95". No we go 0 in front of the 7 to look like the example. We then get to see "1207/95". No you need the slash. Finally we get this right and we have "12/07/95". Sadly the whole birthday debacle was not over. He proceeds to ask "So I am 14 is 95 right". I am so annoyed at this point I blurt out, "I don't know when you were born, you and your mother know that information not me and seriously you don't know when you were born? Yes 95 is right right." After these 8 painful minutes of the birthday debacle I wanted to punt kittens and puppies, but not newborns because I don't need any other retarded children coming into the LAN center to make my day this painful.

If only it ended there. He has to put in the security word. At this point I am frothing at the mouth and may feast on this kids soul like a starving demon. Me and my buddy just end up reading it to him. He types it in very slowly while we repeat the letters 4 times for him. We get him finally to press the accept terms and conditions button and it seems he typed in 2 different passwords when it asked him to re enter the password. We told him he has to type the same password 2 times in the fields. He gets through this part a bit less painfully because I think he realizes we may actually kill him if he takes another 7 minutes to do this.

Finally the button is pressed and its time to verify he is a real person because gmail hates people. We have to verify his account by phone and give him the phone number to type into the field so that they can call him and give him a code to put in to finish the setup. My friend grabs the phone and gives him the numbers which he of course has to respond with "with spaces?" I say "do the instructions show spaces?" Him: "No" Me: "Then whats the answer?" Him: "No spaces." Yea about fucking time genius, Einstein ain't got nothing on you. Finally the phone rings with gmail giving him the code and my friend pushes the answer button and gives the phone over and the kid looks at the phone and hangs it up. WTF? Really are you that stupid that we just went through all of this so you can look at the phone and hang it up? He then states "I don't hear anything, is there supposed to be something, I pressed talk." My friend: "No you just hung up the phone, now press the button that says reverify." Him "What button?" Me and Friend "The big blue button that says reverify....No not that one, the big blue one. NO! THE BIG BLUE BUTTON." Apparently all the other buttons on the page looked more enticing the really big fucking BLUE BUTTON. We get him to finally press it and we enter in the phone number again. This time my friend keeps the phone and answers it, while I have to tell the kid he needs to type the numbers I say into the field. My friend starts giving the numbers and the kid is just staring at us like we are speaking Swahili to him. I look at him and go, "You need to type these numbers in." Him: "Oh." Me: "So start typing them please.....1 2 0 3 6." Him: "what?" Me: "1.......2.......0........3......6. Type it in. 1........2........0.....3......6" Him: "What?" At this point I gave up and just typed it in because this was going to be another game of bash the seal with the baseball bat....its really not fun for any party involved.

Yay email account created.....40 minutes after the start of wanting to create one. Sadly when the email account popped up he goes "What's this?" *Sigh* "Its your email account." Him: "Well where does it say my email account name?" Friend: "At the top of the page." Him with cursor in the middle of the page "Here?" Friend: "No at the top (points finger to the top where it is)" Him pointing mouse to another random spot on the page: "Here?" Both of us now: "NO at the top (both pointing to it). Now write it down and the password you used." Him: "Hey look I found a piece of paper." Congrats you moved up the chain primitive primate. Finally he writes it down and his password and gets up and informs us that its time to go make his Xbox live account at home.

We then both go "Ok cya later." knowing what is in store for his poor mother. Unfortunately it seems he was also going to bring his older brother into the equation since he goes "If I have any problems I will just ask my older brother since he has an xbox account." At this point we chuckle a bit and feel a ton of relief knowing that he shouldn't be bothering us anymore that day.

All I can say about this story is that the movie Idiocracy is no longer seeming like such a far off future for the human race if this is the examples we have in the youth of today.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

It not your fault for packing on that extra weight.

So we all know that Earth spins like a top and rotates around the sun. We also know about global warming and the cold seasons feeling shorter for most of us. I figure that this is probably due to an increased rotation around the sun. For us science geeks and well most everyone you know that if you spin stuff around really fast it will try to get fatter in the middle to put in easy terms. Now you are probably thinking, well how does this deal with my weight issues.

The first theory is that the Earth is speeding up on its trip around the sun slowly. This obviously means gravity is going to want to push things to our wastes just a bit easier. Which also brings about our great straight to the hips argument because that is where everything is going to go. Included in this phenomena is man boobs and women's sagging boobs as we age. I am here to say its not your fault that these things happen its all that rotation around the sun that is fault. Trans fats, high fructose corn syrup, pure lard, ya that is all bullshit its the planet's fault not yours. Seriously don't believe the hype from these crazy nutritionist who claim that whole grains will fix your weight problem or that some crazy atkins diet will pull through for you.

As you can see its quite obvious the world is spinning out of control and squishing our bodies into the roundness it so desires. Maybe Earth got a peak into the bible and starting thinking hey humans were made in God's image, well fuck that if I make em as round as I am then they can start worshiping me because they would look just like me. This is most likely the real reason for the emergence of our rotund friends. Glandular problems that cause obesity are just Earth using other methods other then rotating really fast to cause a change in image to look like it.

Its obvious now that one thinks about it that we may be fighting a losing battle, but I may have a solution to our problem. Since the Earth itself rotates in an Eastward direction we need to counteract this for our own sake. We all don't want to look like mini planets. My proposal is that when jogging we all must jog towards the East to counteract the planets rotation and help our friends and ourselves from the change in appearance to planetary objects. By running East in mass groups we will hopefully force the world to slow down enough so that its rotation slows down and might stop some of the momentum around the sun as well. We should plan these days out in advance so that we could get the maximum slow down potential. I am thinking every other day for at least an hour. I also want to point out we should be bringing a compass to these events so that we can make sure we are heading east. We wouldn't want someone to get confused and head West and screw the whole project up.

I feel only by doing this will we be saved from looking like the planet and its attempt to take over organized religion. Think about yourself and think about your friends and you will see this may be the only hope we have.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Odd Classified ads I take

So for those who know me and read this blog you know I work for a newspaper taking classified ads from people all day long. Every now and then you get the crazy ads that you just wonder what the hell is going on. I have had a number of ads that just seem to stack up over time where I go what the hell was this person thinking.

Just today for example I took an ad from a lady for a lost turtle. I mean I have seen turtles, they aren't super fast and are fairly lazy. I mean you would need to not pay attention to the turtle for about 2 years for it to get away. What astounded me the most was that this was not the first time that she has lost this turtle. This was actually the second time in 4 years she has lost it. I guess the first time she found it and put it back into its spot and then must have forgotten to pay attention to it other then to feed it for another 4 years and it managed to shuffle away again. As one of the other ad reps said about turtles though which made me laugh was that "They're slow, but they're crafty." I guess this is how the concept of ninja turtle must have come about. Some person lost their pet turtle and found it hanging out with a couple of other turtles and a rat. They started thinking damn turtles are crafty they must have learned it from this rat.......OMG what if turtles are actually ninjas. And that is how the ninja turtles came about.

Another great ad I received the other day was full of misspellings and just made my day. The ad read exactly like this "1 mail cat 8 years old and has raibey shot and has been fixt and 1 F.M. cat 7 years old and is not fixt." This just made me laugh so hard when I got to thinking about this guy giving away these 2 awesome cats. I mean 1 works for the damn post office. Who wouldn't want a cat to bring them their mail. The other works for the radio station and could probably play all your favorite songs for you when you would like. With these 2 cats I would never have to check my mail again and always hear the best music. These 2 cats would be an unstoppable force of awesome.

Another one of my favorite ads is an ad for a skill saw that was sent to me. The ad read "Skilsaw, circular 5 1/2" blade used once by unhandy woman, $50." This just cracked me up. You could always take this 2 ways.....the one time she used it she lost her hand or she was just really inept with this tool. 1 is kind of gruesome and the other is just so funny because she is so afraid of it that she has to sell it.

Of course throughout the day we get tons of people who don't listen to a word we say when we answer the phone about being the classified department and that they want to cancel their paper or put it on hold, which is followed by us telling them we don't do that and transferring them. We also get a great caller who we call the laughing lady because she regularly calls and laughs while she tells us all about how much she hates the articles we run in our paper. Most of the time is about a picture of an African American or Cuban or about us calling this a recession. Apparently she is really racist, but finds it funny. Fortunately we have learned how to cut her off and send her downstairs to deal with customer service.

So pretty much this is the silly things I get to deal with on a regular basis.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Male Territorialism

As many people know men can be very territorial. We like to claim things as places of our own and then keep others away from those places when we are around. Basically its the equivalent of a 2 year olds "Mine" phase except men never leave this phase.....ever. We walk around pick up a book or a pen and are now like "Mine!" This now means we must defend this object from other men who would also like to make that object theirs.

If you have ever wondered why a male throws a fit when you move or hide something of theirs it is because of this feeling of "Mine!" You touched their object and now they have to go through the process of declaring it as theirs again within their brain because you have sullied the aura of the object. This reason is also the why men get so grumpy about the touching and moving of objects because it involves the long drawn out process of making sure there has been nothing weird done to the object, checking for signs that another male hasn't claimed this object while we were gone, and then wiring our brain again to place the object in its new proper home because it was not safe where it was previously.

Of course this process is a little bit different for living things such as your girlfriend or you dog. For a man a dog is a bit easier to deal with in terms of the "Mine" strategy because we can train them to listen to our commands and have them be loyal to us. This is exhausting work for a male because it requires many hours of work with the dog until it realizes we are the Alpha male and they need to listen to everything we say. Eventually we get to this point and we now have a loyal dog that is ours and will help protect other things that are ours. This is probably also the reason why we like to name our dogs Kujo, Spike, or Killer. It lets people know we aren't fucking around when it comes to defending our shit.

As for girlfriends there is a reason why men get extremely jealous and sometimes like to keep track of them. We like to mark them in other ways such as hickeys, the scent of our cologne, or just leaving something of note at their place. This lets other guys know that this is our territory and that they should not trespass on it. The whole women stealing our t-shirts to wear really was just a male ploy to mark our territory. Yes ladies its something we allowed because it makes our job easier. This is also the reason why if you break up with us or cheat on us we can get fairly grumpy and very childish. We are losing a piece of our territory and no male likes when their territory shrinks. The goal of a male is to have as much territory as possible, so much so that they can say all of the world is theirs. This is also why men will still flirt and look at other women a lot even when in a serious relationship. If it isn't theirs they must at least try and acquire it or leave a mark to ward off other males.

Territory for males also extends as an aura around us in public places. Anything in that aura is ours as well. This is why men do not go to the bathrooms in packs and also explains the urinal phenomena. For those who don't know urinal etiquette it goes like this. The first male into the bathroom gets the furthest urinal from the door. The next male gets the furthest urinal from the first male. Now here is where it can get tricky depending on how many urinals there are. If there are 5 urinals the 3rd male gets the middle most urinal from the other 2 males which leaves a buffer of 1 urinal from each male. This is proper territorial etiquette. If there are only 3 urinals then the 3rd male gets to be the bitch and has to use the toilet because it would break the buffer. For heavy crowding only is the buffer rule to be broken and that is to only speed up the process to get as many males out of the restroom as possible so that the buffer rule can be established again. The other rule that is sacred is no talking while at the urinals. Seriously no god damn talking until you have zipped up and walked to the sinks. This does not mean you get to talk to the guys at the urinal either because you are invading their territory and they may have to hurt you.

So that now that you have an idea that men are practically grown up 2 year olds you should be able to handle them in regard to their personal items or space.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

How I lost track of half a night

I want to start this post off explaining that I do not condone drinking in large quantities nor do I like to drink in large quantities in one sitting. If you feel that this is your type of life style I suggest seeking help because it is not a healthy life style choice and has some very negative consequences. Since I don't mind making fun of myself I feel I must relate this story though.

July 4th this year was a crazy night for me. So crazy in fact that I lost track of a good chunk of it. Alcohol is a bitch when you forget how much you are able to drink before you get really really drunk.

With that said I planned a trip out to the Barnstormer in Iowa this year on July 4th with my best friend and his girlfriend. There were a few indie bands there that I was excited about seeing and it was bring your own beer. I was not driving for once so I could finally sit back and have a few too many beers.

In preparation for this trip I went out and bought a 6 pack of my favorite beer, Sapporo, and made a mix of rum and coke with 100 proof rum and put that in a water bottle. I ended up bringing 4 bottles of Sapporo with me because I had 1 the night I bought it and 1 before I was picked up at my house. The rum and coke was brought completely intact in my water bottle. I realized after the fact that I put a bit over 1/3 a bottle of 100 proof rum in there. That is obviously where things started going wrong.

We arrived at the farm that day and were greeted by a tractor pulling up with a wagon attached to ferry people about 1/4 mile down the road to where the concert was actually at in the barn. Here is where I started in a bit on the rum figuring hey why not get a head start on this whole drinking thing. My thoughts were like every other time I go out drinking, but have to leave at a much later time. I figured I would get a bit tipsy fast but not drunk and then use the rest of the night drinking water or what not and sober up by the time it was to leave. Now the tractor driver was driving like a maniac taxi driver from Calcutta while my friend and his girlfriend prayed for their lives as we went 100 miles an hour down the steep cliff that is the dirt road to the barn.

With all the bumps on the dirt road it made it almost impossible to drink my rum. This put me into determination mode. I wasn't about to let a bumpy dirt road and mental hospital patient for a driver ruin my plans of getting my buzz.

Finally he parks and lets us out and we find a nice cozy spot to put our cooler and stuff next to the barn while we here the music coming from the inside. At this point I feel the need to grab a couple of my beers and head on in to listen to the rest of the set being done. I finish off the first beer as I get settled in the crowd inside and start on the next beer. Unfortunately for me the set was just about to finish which prompted me to think, "Hey this beer is tasty, but the set is almost over so I need to chug this one so I can go outside and get another one in between the bands" So that beer gets downed in a hurry and I roam outside for the 3rd beer of the night within 15 minutes of arriving there.

I notice my ex is also there at this point and comes heading over to me with her friend to have a conversation about how things are going and other important commentary on music. I am not feeling the effects of the alcohol yet so and am feeling kind of awkward at this point so its time to finish this beer in a hurry and head on over for my last beer after finishing the conversation. Obviously I was trying to drown out the little awkward feeling with alcohol so that I didn't have to think about it for the rest of the night because this place isn't super crowded and I will be running into her for the rest of the night and maybe drunk me can handle this situation a bit better then sober me. Sober me was definitely not having a rational moment there because it knows what drunk me tends to do and there can be no good that can come of this.

4th beer down and time for water bottle of rum. Water bottle of rum is definitely something that no human should have tested to see if they could finish in a night with the amount of alcohol I placed in it, but 4 beers in me said what the hell lets do this. Needless to say by the end of the next band that was playing which I took pictures of I had mostly finished this bottle of rum and coke.

I wander outside at this point and the alcohol has set in and I am really drunk at this time. I run into ex again and now drunk me is like "Hey its time to be chatty Kathy over here and reconnect and be all friendly." Not such a bad plan when sober, really bad plan when super drunk. I don't remember this conversation at all but was informed later on in the week by ex that we had a pretty epic conversation about life and totally missed the 3rd band of the night.

Epic conversations are definitely my specialty when I am totally wasted since I have done that plenty in college. Topics can range from smurfs to anti-matter in space. It just depends on what type of drunk I am that night. It seems that this night though I was serious/flirty drunk so it was time to do a bit of both of that with her. Apparently at some point I wanted her to drive me home instead of my friend who I had come with.

Anything after this point I have no or very little recognition of since it is a nice blank slate in my memory and is relayed by second hand party members.

Apparently after epic conversation me and ex decided to actually do what we had come there to do....go see bands play awesome music. My body said "fuck that I want to fall down into shit." This is the part where I fell into a wood pile outside of the barn on my way in and was fished out by ex. Somewhere else along the lines I decided I needed to go to the bathroom and managed my way there safely only to exit and face plant into the gravel. One other time I must have decided to help with the Styrofoam cooler or to try and get another beer and instead of actually getting it I did a back flip over it and crushed it. So lesson learned by drunk me = Gravity > drunk me. Unfortunately drunk me took lessons from sober me where Gravity = my bitch.

Another cute story that I was informed of during this night is that somewhere along the lines I ran into some girl who was not amused by my drunkenness when I stumbled into her hard. Also on the tractor ride back to my friends car I had decided I like a conversation that was being had about teaching english overseas. This was being had by my friends girlfriend and another girl. The other girl was cute to my alcohol addled brain so I must have decided to hit on her......in front of her boyfriend. Luckily this was an Indie concert so it was a hippie and they don't like to fight, they just like to "chill man". So I didn't get pulverized which is always a good thing.

The drive home had a pretty good story as well with me sitting in the back seat and we get part way into the main town about 10 minutes from where we left and I must have been starting to feel sick. I start asking for a bag and my buddy pulls the car over rapidly and get out and start puking. Now normally this wouldn't be a funny affair, but the place where we pulled over and my choice of puking spots is what made this amusing. The place was a church with the perfect sign for the night. On this sign it had printed on it "Come as you are". Obviously I came there really drunk and decided to show my appreciation for their awesome sign by puking in front of the building just to let them know I was paying attention.

After this I must have passed out in the back seat until we got to my place and I was unloaded so that I could stumble into my apartment. I woke up the next morning with a mild hangover and the need to figure out all the things I had on me from the night before. In my pockets were 1 glow stick (no clue where this came from), my wallet (yay), my inhaler (phew), and nothing else. This caused a bit of panic because I needed to now find my apartment keys and my phone. Luckily my apartment keys were thrown on the floor by the front door, but the phone was still MIA. Fortunately sober me realized I had ridden home with my buddy the night before and figured it was probably in his car, which it was. I also managed to retrieve my water bottle from his car as well. I call that a win because I never expected to be able to carry that thing with me everywhere in the state I was in.

So lesson learned. Sober me needs to not let awkward me run the show when alcohol is present. Drunk me also needs to take a lesson on gravity.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Reasons why I might be a ninja

Many of my friends like to think of me as a ninja. It could be the fact that I like to wear black on a regular basis or that I have had some martial arts training or that I am obsessed with Japan or that I like to jump out of trees and scare the crap out of my unsuspecting victims. With this said I am not thoroughly convinced that I am completely a ninja. So this may take some scientific research to make this determination. I am going to start off with a questionnaire and see where that leads me.

Are you a ninja questionnaire:

1. Do you wear black on a regular basis?
Answer: Yes

2. Do you know martial arts?
Answer: Yes

3. Have you ever jumped out of a tree to scare and or maim someone?
Answer: Yes, but not the maiming because she would not have approved.

4. Do you own typical ninja weaponry such as throwing stars and swords?
Answer: Yes I own a sword

5. Have you ever flipped out and killed shit?
Answer: Yes, but only if you count killing flies because they anger me.

6. Do you have a severe hatred of pirates?
Answer: Not really. Pirates can be equally awesome. I mean I do have a liking for rum, but the whole scurvy and not bathing for long periods of time on a boat with lots of men kind of rubs me the wrong way. Maybe that is why ninjas hate pirates. Pirates = dirty, drunk, hang with men on a boat all the time. Ninjas = Assassinate people, hang with geisha, bathe on a regular basis. Ok so maybe I do have something against pirates....but I am stealing their rum damnit.

7. Do you know any famous ninjas?
Answer: No, what kind of question is this? They are god damn ninjas who flip out and kill shit and are stealthy. They don't want you to know who they are and if they knew that you knew who they were they would probably flip out and kill you.

Well that was a short questionnaire and I might actually be a ninja according to this little questionnaire. The whole jumping out of the tree question was fun too because well it comes with an interesting story and the reason I am now referred to as a ninja.



I was getting to know this girl who is now one of my good friends. I gave her a call one night at around 1 am to find out what was up. She was coming back from a concert and was about to be dropped off by her friends in about 5 minutes so I quickly rushed over to her house and climbed up into the tree in the front of her house and continued my phone conversation with her. I saw the car pulling up and said well I guess I should get going and hung up the phone. At this point I watched her get out of the car and talk to her friends for a bit and was snickering to myself because this was going to be epic. Finally after her 5 minute chat with her friends she turns and starts to walk to the front door of her house.

At this point I readied my cat like reflexes to jump from the branch I was crouching on and scare her. Be mindful her friends are still there watching her walk to her door and I have remained undetected like the ninja I am for this whole time. I pounce from the tree right behind her and do my war cry to throw her off. Fortunately her scream of surprise did not wake anyone and her 2 friends got a good laugh out of the whole event. She was too surprised as well to hit me so this worked to my advantage because I did not have to defend myself.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Music review Sunday

So I decided instead of just making this a Mon-Fri I am going to add a special post day of Sunday. I am calling it Music review Sunday because that is what I am going to do. The concept is to take an album I own and review it.....possibly in a funny manner. These albums can range from fairly new to something from the 90's and could even be a cd that my friend Shane mixed for me/2nd Ave.

I will warn you that this is going to be very very biased because I bought these cd's because I enjoy them. That still won't stop me from critisizing the hell out of them in certain spots.

With that said there will be no review for this Sunday because the only thing I wanted to do was post my intent at this time.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Midget on a pink bike

I want to start this off that I have nothing against midgets or dwarves or anyone else shorter then what most consider normal. With that said let the story commence.

I work for a newspaper and occasionally I like to leave my desk for breaks because it is summer time and it is fairly nice outside and well being stuck at a desk full of papers is kind of boring. On this one occasion though I am coming back from my walk and I see this female midget on a pink bike stop in front of the back of the building. Said midget is in her late 30's or early 40's from what I could tell and looks like she could use a shower because maybe she fell into a mud puddle along the way or something. I just figure that because she is short and a mud puddle may seem fairly deep to her. To me a mud puddle only normally goes up to my ankles maybe a little higher and I am 5' 10" tall so that is very little proportionally to my height, but to her it may seem like a small pond.

So she has stopped in the back of our building near the smoking area and gets off her bike and props it against a pole that holds up an awning. I want to point out there are about 4 other people outside as well just having conversations and not paying attention at all to what is about to happen. The midget then goes over to the ashtray outside and lifts the plastic cover where you drop the butts into what I think is a sand pit and starts looking for cigarettes that have enough left on them to smoke. This prompts me to slow down and look over and wonder is this really happening? Whats worse about the whole situation is that the other people who are there just casually look over and then turn back to their conversation like this is a completely normal thing. I mean seriously normal to them, like hey I came to the water fountain and I am going to drink some of this wonderful water. All I can think at this point is "OMG grungy midget with smoking fetish stealing cigarette butts!"

I think just the fact that everyone else thought this was normal was the most horrifying thing of all. Just like ya midgets come around and steal my cigarette butts all the time so they can smoke em. Then I got to thinking what if this is the only way she feels comfortable smoking cigarettes. Maybe regular cigarettes are just to long for her to fully smoke and presmoked ones are the right size for her. Then I also got to thinking that this could end up with a business opportunity. I could start making cigarettes for midgets. I could call em Mini Marbs. I would make millions and become famous in the midget community because now they had cigarettes that would fit their lifestyle. Of course this could be a problem for the midgets who like to fit in with society and smoke the full size cigarettes, but fuck em this is for the midgets who want to be unique.

So I walk back into work and I have to relay this story back to my coworkers. They are all like oh ya the midget I have seen her before and ya she does that with the cigarette butts. My best friend also turns around and goes oh ya she has a boyfriend too and I have seen him lift her into a garbage can to get a can of beer. Then they sniffed the can of beer and figuring it was still good started drinking the contents of it. I just have no words for this at all at this point. I am kind of in awe that these people exist and have been roaming behind our building for a long time and everyone but myself knew about them. It makes it so I want to put a camera in the back of the building so I can watch them when they come by for a good laugh now and then. Eventually I guess I will be lulled into the same sense of "Oh hey its the midget on the pink bike again here to get her minature cigarettes from our ash tray"

Funny thing is today my friend comes back up from his break today and goes to me, I think I understand what was going on with your story the other day. Now this of course confused me because I go through a million stories per day with him because I am hyper and crazy, so I had to decipher what he meant by it. So the first thing I said was, "Oh the Borders story?" "No dude the midget story" "Oh so the midget was outside again and you didn't tell me?" Needless to say I was highly disappointed because I really wanted to see a midget on a pink bike today and it would have brightened my day, but he failed and now I have that feeling I missed out. So now I am going through this day wondering where I can find a midget in the city just so I can also say I saw a midget today. I think I am getting close to putting an ad on craigslist at this point just to see what happens.

Update:
I just recently spotted the midget while driving into work this morning heading over to the back of the building and I had a little more time to observe what she was up to today. She again lifted the little plastic thing and started rooting around for a usable cigarette butt. When she found one she placed it in the Tupperware container she was carrying around. Of course she wouldn't want her freshly found cigarettes to get stale. I mean just imagine those freshly picked cigarette butts getting all old and nasty from the elements if she were to leave them out all willy nilly.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

I must go to Borders

Yesterday was an odd day. Well odd in the sense that normally I just drive straight home after work and take care of my pets then sit around playing video games or watching a movie or reading. Not yesterday though! My best friend asked me before I am leaving if I would like to go hang out and play video games because his girlfriend won't be home tonight and he is free to do as he pleases. He even had 2 new video games that I was informed I absolutely needed to check out. Knowing my love of new video games he thought he had me hooked at that moment. I mean really who can resist the call of picking up a controller and hacking away at some bad guys with your buddies all while downing a couple of beers.

Well it seems my addled brain was confused that day and I just had to go to Borders. I informed him of this plan and he looked at me like the government had taken me prisoner the night before tortured me then brain washed me and sent me on my way. Then came the plea of well this is the first time in a while that my girlfriend won't be there and we have time to kill bad guys without the exasperated pleas from her explaining that we should pay attention to her.

I guess here is where I should talk about his girlfriend a bit. When she is the whining mood I like to think of her like a dingo trying to eat babies and I must fend her off with humor and shiny objects. I guess that is why I would prefer to carry a bottle of glitter when ever I go and visit him because glitter is like the herpes of the crafts world, you can never get rid of it. So when she goes into these epileptic seizures of whining I can say something crazy and throw some glitter in an area so she will pounce on it like a wild cheetah. This usually keeps her occupied long enough for me to get out of there and save myself.

So with excuse made I am off to go to Borders. Mind you I have no clue what I want to do at Borders, just that it is programmed into my brain at this point. This of course made me think that I could be a robot and something happened over the night to not make me want to do things I love to do. This actually could have happened as well since I did lose a chunk of time recently and there was always that fear.

So I arrive at Borders not knowing what to do, but surrounded by books. At this point I think well lets mess with some people. The thought then comes that I should just choose an aisle and start reading the first page of every book in the aisle until someone who works there comes and asks if I need any help. Then when that person shows up to ask I will then tell them that they need to go to the other end of the aisle and start reading the first pages of each book on that end and tell me what happens so that I can save myself some time because I don't want to be there all night. It would be even better if I could convince multiple employees to do this for me and then I could be out of there in about 2 hours and know the first page of each book in the aisle. Then I got to thinking about my next trip to Borders and what would I do then. Do I just come in and start on the second page of the same aisle that I was in the last time or do I move on to a new aisle and continue with page 1's only.

Fortunately I ran into a couple of friends there. They were wondering what my plans were while I was there and I informed them. Then the dreaded question came about of what aisle I would start in. I had to think for a moment and then just saw the nearest sign and blurted that out because I had no real clue and I am fairly lazy. Unfortunately that sign was Romance. This elicited a bit of a chuckle from them with the question of why Romance. "Well I'm lazy and that is the closest aisle" was all I could come up with.

Then I got to thinking and what better way for something humorous then to make employees read the first pages of Romance novels and inform me what they said. I mean what if something really raunchy was on that first page. They would have to inform me of that stuff and it would be really awkward for them.

All these thoughts go racing through my head then as I start to roam now within the store. I start thinking that my evil plan is finally coming about and I will implement it shortly. This was not to be because the ADD side of me started to take over and I ended up seeing a book that looked interesting. This prompted me to grab it off the shelf and go find a chair to sit in and skim the book for about 15 minutes until the need to wander arose again. A pattern like this ended up going on for around an hour until I finally got bored and went home.

Now really at this point if you were thinking there is a point to this story....there isn't. I just do weird things at weird times.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Zombie Apocalypse preparedness kits

My friends have come up with their own mix of items for any impending zombie apocalypses that would happen in the future and I feel that they haven't completely thought this idea through. Yes they will be safe for a while until eventually their innards are strewn about by the zombie horde. I have no doubt during their living years that they will slay many zombies and probably save a puppy or something from a zombie cat. I on the other hand have also thought to be prepared if I were to become a zombie. I figure well I have this great kit to save my life against the zombies and I do my cardio, but one of these days I am gonna get caught off guard and then BLAM zombie bite and I am fucked.

So now I am this mindless zombie running around eating my former friends and they are going to want to kill me cause well I want to eat their brains. I figure wait a minute here, what if my friends turn me into a zombie puddle and then they figure out some cure for being a zombie that doesn't involve a shotgun to the face. I would be pretty disappointed that all these other zombies get to become normal again and I am a pile of goo on grandma's kitchen floor. This is why I have created my zombie's kit for the apocalypse.

First thing first for the murderous zombie that doesn't want to be paste on his first day of zombiehood, Kevlar vest. People are going to be shooting at you wildly while you are running at them screaming for brains and I would like to keep my internal organs in check because I may need those at a later date if they figure out a cure.

Next on my list of things would be a metal collar. The axe wielding maniacs butchering zombies are going to be aiming to lop off your head. We obviously can't let this happen which is where the metal collar comes in. I can see it now maniac goes in for the kill and instead of lopping my head off he smacks the metal collar and I eat his brains....nomnomnom.

My piece of zombie equipment would be a very durable brand of running shoes. I need something that is going to last me a while in my state of zombieness. A pair of loafers are just going to trip me up and some cheap Walmart running shoes aren't going to last me long while I chase Bob and his dog Sparky down the road for a midday snack. I am big into Adidas so I would probably stick with that brand.

Finally I need in my zombie survival kit a bib. This bib would be epic because I would have it specially designed prior to the apocalypse. It would be similar to those lobster bibs, but instead of a lobster it would have brains for the picture on it. I figure I don't want to make a huge mess of my clothes. Also how ridiculous would it look if a zombie was chasing you with a bib on that had a brain on it. I think it might just throw you off enough for me to get a chunk out of you because you would be looking at first going...."What the hell? Where did he get that? Do they have a zombie outlet around here for fashionable yet functional zombie wear?" Also I am hoping the bib throws them off from the fact I am wearing a Kevlar vest so that their shotgun shells to the chest are useless.

Unfortunately I still haven't figured out how to protect my head without impeding my chance to feed on the living. So if anyone has an idea I can add it to my zombie kit.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Murder with a side of fries

Haha! My first blog post on this new blog I have created out in the blogsphere of chaos and indescribable insanity among those who type frantically on their keyboards praying for people to read their inane ideas and ramblings. Also known as, welcome to my god damn blog. Here is where I apologize because my insanity is about to seep into your brain and possibly be so infectious you may have to scrub it out with a iron wool q-tip laced with cyanide. Again sorry.

You may have noticed the weird title for my blog. Its chosen because well its going to be the first post of my blog and hopefully be memorable or so completely horrible that there will be calls to the pentagon to remove me from this country. Honestly I am hoping for a little bit of both.

So the reason for this post is that I was on lunch today and started to think random thoughts as I tend to do and relate things that shouldn't be related as per normal. So I got to thinking about a fast food chain that is also a place to hire hit men for the people who piss you off. I figured what a great idea! Everyone gets hungry and a lot of times when they are pissed off they like to eat. Hell that is what I do some of the time. Basically I'm all like, "Hulk Smash!!! Ohhhh look a cheeseburger!" Sometimes this ends the Hulk Smash feeling and I go on with my day. Then there are those other days where I sit eating my cheeseburger while wondering where I can find a giant mace with spikey points on the end of it to bash that person over the head with that cut me off in traffic.

At this point is where my idea comes into play. I mean it could be like any other fast food drive through. Of course spelling out the fast food chains name would be a little long, so we could just shorten it to MF on the sign. Murder with a side of fries would just be too long and expensive to put on a sign and MF has a nice tie in with the place because you are probably already on the Mother Fucker train to murder of another person while pulling into the parking lot and the sign is just a reminder of how pissed off you are.

So now that we have a solid idea for the place we need a MF menu. Of course we have french fries and for you retarded babies who bashed your heads against the steering wheel of your pickup truck with the confederate flag in the window, you guys can have freedom fries. I also think we need milk shakes because I fucking love milk shakes and would probably kill a person for one every now and then, so don't fuck with my milkshake. Hamburgers and their variants are also going to be on the menu because this is fast food and well you just need those. For those who are thinking about onion rings....well no they are the spawn of satan and I think they should be excluded, we are planning a murder here, not trying to give someone heartburn and bad breath.

Now onto the other items on the menu. We should definitely start off with a light fare of severe beatings because you don't always want to murder someone and I think this would be our bread and butter service. Next we can move over to maimings because crippling someone without death can sometimes just be as satisfactory, especially with that bastard takes the last of an item in a super market that you wanted. I mean really I didn't want to drive to the next store and now you are making me because you couldn't keep your god damn hands off my french vanilla Ben & Jerry's which I was going to use to make my god damn milk shake. Ya I know I said I would murder someone for a milkshake sometimes, but I have this vindictive side that also likes to watch people suffer for a long period of time so he would have to lose that arm. Lets see that fucker take my ice cream again.

Next on the list we have the run of the mill bullet to the head murder. Pretty simple really, the chain could have snipers posted all around the city that the chain is at and just a simple phone call from the manager and that person is toast. Just think the sniper could be sitting in his apartment have a nice latte and reading the newspaper and get his call to rub out a person just down the road and he heads over to the window with his high powered sniper rifle and pop there goes a problem.

Of course for those bastards who have just pissed you off more then they should have, where the severe beatings and the maiming didn't work to deter their behavior we have the final option of brutal murder. I think this category just needs to offer a few different options though to make things interesting for the customer. Maybe one of the options could be something off the wall like skull fucked by a clown while he honked his rubber nose to the screaming. Another option could be torn apart by rabid ponies ridden by angry midgets. That would be some seriously fucked up humorous shit right there, perfect for a Jerry Springer show. Could get the families of the deceased to appear and scream about how their hick son/brother got raped by a clown and then torn apart by ponies ridden by angry midgets and then have Jerry say something about having a surprise for them and the midgets come out on the ponies and people start throwing chairs and showing their tits and there are beads and we all learn a lesson about being compassionate to midgets so they won't be so angry.

Of course after I thought of all this crazy shit on my lunch break, I had an epiphany that maybe this place already exists. I used to hear of Ex president Clinton always running off to Mcdonald's for a burger and some fries. What if he just went up to the counter and told some people a secret code and someone somewhere just died or got a beat down or something. I mean he just couldn't go around nuking people because that would be too obvious, you know with the smoking crater and mutated wildlife and all. I could see it now a Mcdonald's full of trained assassins flipping burgers just waiting for the order from a senator or president or some other high official so that they could cause some devastation somewhere. It really would be the perfect place for them too because of all the rage they could build up while waiting because who really wants to flip fucking burgers for a living when you could be flipping out and killing shit.

Now for those who made it to the end of this post I applaud you in your efforts to wade through crazy. Hell I know I am not the most sane person in the world and my mind wanders in so many different directions in a day I forget what normal thought patterns are. Like maybe I should be worrying about where I put my car keys or some shit, but this is really what can wander through my head at any given moment. This one was by far the most insane shit I have thought up in a while though.